As a Dating Coach, some questions I often ask people are if they have dated “wrong” people and secondly if they seem to be stuck in a cycle where they feel like they attract the same “wrong” people over and over. When people come to see me, the answer to the two questions above most likely is a “heck, yes!”
Let’s talk about the wrong type of people we have dated and what can we do about it. I will focus on the four types of people that come up often as I work with my clients. The list is extensive and I could probably write a book about it, but for the purpose of the blog, we will talk about the common four.
- The Abusive Control Freak: This person has a past of violence with their friends, family or past relationships. The drama always seems to be heightened with this person. They constantly criticize you, your friends, your hobbies, basically everything about you and related to you. Everything revolves around them. They yell at you, play mind games, are controlling, punch holes in the walls etc. They tell you what you can and cannot do. If you find yourself dating someone like this then please look over the Power and Control Wheel which is easily accessible via Google search.
What to do: Recognize that this is abuse. There are many types of abuse- emotional, psychological, sexual and physical. If you are in a relationship or situation where your partner is abusive, run and do not look back. Get help- go to the cops. Remove yourself from the relationship and situation. Seek support from your friends and family. Find a safe place for yourself and rebuild your life. Therapy is very helpful when one is trying to rebuild their life or trying to leave their abusive partner. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 800-799-7233.
- The One with the Terrible Timing: I once read that three things need to be in line when you start dating someone: attraction, beliefs, and timing. We tend to make exceptions after exceptions and try to mold whoever we find the person of our dreams. Out of the above three, nothing is more irritating than the uncontrollable bad timing. The signs if you’re dating someone with Bad timing are: They are moving to another state or country, you met them on vacation, one of you is single and the other is not, they broke up with someone you know etc.
What to do: I know clients and personal friends who are completely infatuated with people they found at the wrong time in their lives. If you find yourself obsessing, online stalking or bending over backward for someone who was only available to you for an hour or two then remember that if someone wants to be with you then they will move mountains to make it happen. No time, no distance or situation will stop them.
- The Commitment-phobe: Signs that you’re dating a commitment-phobe are they are charming when they are around but completely distant or even non-existent when they are not with you. They either remain silent or change the topic when you start talking about the relationship, they don’t spend the night with you, they only see you for a few hours for dates, they do not want you to call or text them, they prefer a more private method of communication such as email, there are no plans that are too far into the future, they still introduce you as their “friend” and you have been dating for over 6 months, you have never met their friends or family, they do not show you affection in public. They often suggest dating other people.
What to do: As amazing as someone might seem, if they do not want to be in a relationship, they really shouldn’t be. This leaves the other person dating a commitment-phobe heartbroken and feeling cheated. Remember that someone who does not want to be in a relationship, they act like they are single even when in a relationship. If you’re dating a commitment-phobe, then cut the cord, and look for someone who is happy being committed.
- The Player: There are some clear red flags that you may be dating a player. If you find that the stories do not add up, they love to play the chase game, they try to make you jealous, they disappear, they are hot and cold, one day they adore you, the next day they don’t want anything to do with you, they have a difficult time telling you the truth, they play mind games with you, you feel emotionally exhausted by how much the relationship vacillates, they may keep an online presence in the dating world.
What to do: Know the signs, and remember life is too short to waste on someone who is not committed and plays games. You deserve a healthy, respectful and honest relationship. You will not find that with the Game Players.
If you find yourself dating the above people, or feel overwhelmed by Dating in general, I can help you.
Contact me today, so we can start working on you feeling empowered, confident and ready to put your best foot forward.
Shaina Singh, LCSW, CCM
Psychotherapist, Dating Coach, Life Coach